Rejection and my level of smoothness

"Sooo, I like you! I have no idea what I expect from telling you but I have anyway in hopes it will figure itself out! What's that? I've just embarrassed myself by expressing my true feelings to the person I am currently swooning over? Sorry, my bad I really don't understand how this works."

What I am about to share with you is a big reason to why I don't have my name on this blog as it is truly embarrassing but here goes! The first guy I had slept with after my ex I developed a HUGE crush on. I absolutely hate it when people suggest that 'sex means something', don't get me wrong the sex was great but that really isn't it. I didn't expect anything from him after it and there certainly wasn't a connection felt. It was more about me finding out he is utterly and completely my type.

I knew he was physically (no shit, that's why we banged) but he was funny, nice and liked decent films and music?? I simply couldn't handle. After getting out of an all girls school and serious long relationship and meeting this guy and knowing I had him before, he was good in bed and all the other things I mentioned... That set me off on this weird infatuation for him. Just to clarify I didn't want a relationship I just wanted him. I wanted someone I could fuck to awesome music and have hangs now and then and talk about good films. Is that a boyfriend? I don't even know anymore. After the pressures of being a girlfriend it wasn't something I wanted to return to. I just wanted something casual. But still, I wanted him and it was all I could think about which brings us to the next part of this sad mess

Having mutual friends I knew we would both be at a gathering coming up. I looked at it as a chance to get this behind me. I was totally crazy about this guy it was so stupid looking back on it! But I thought the best way to put my feelings behind me instead of wondering and longing is to just man up and tell him. Of course this did stop me from those two things but this does not have a happy ending. I talked to him on and off the whole night. He even greeted me with a kiss on the hand! Mixed signals much buddy?! Nothing seemed to be happening and to be completely honest I wanted the night to end in either his bed or mine.

I plucked up the courage and found him away from everyone else looking like a sad puppy but when I asked what was wrong he said he was fine of course. So this is when I asked to speak to him and took him over to the side. Now thinking back he was probably expecting me to tell him he had an STD or I was pregnant because when I announced my feelings he looked at me with a weird shocked expression on his face. He then told be he was going to be completely honest and said "I actually invited someone else here tonight". Yeah, he liked someone else. Awesome. And that folks is utter rejection. Then he kept thanking me and apologising. Oh god reliving this memory is nausiating but hopefully future me can laugh about it. Then we said we would be friends. Our friendship hasn't really gone past facebook friends which I used to get hung up on but now I don't give to much of a fuck about.

The worst part was the way he looked at me with true pitty in his eyes. So I responded by telling him I was fine! It just meant I could pursue Ryan Gosling now! Yes I actually said that and no he didn't find it funny he just continued to stare at me feeling sorry for me. Worst part is we talked for about half an hour straight after I 'expressed myself' and actually got on quite well which really didn't help. I thought I would feel better after and at least I would move on and all that bullshit but in all honesty I moped around and wallowed constantly for about a good two months. I kid you not. I'm bad with boys and infatuations are dangerous when it comes to me.

Knowing this dreadful story maybe it can make you feel better about any rejection you have gotten! But yes I am quite alright with the fact that we will never happen again. Just between you and me whenever I see him online on facebook I pull the finger at the screen. Judge all you want but I'm all for doing what makes you happy.