Update perhaps

I am now claiming this to be my open diary so hence the pseudonym this is personal as hell.

I am drunk and it's 4am but I haven't written anything in so long and successfully finished it which isn't exactly what I had in mind for this blog.

Worst part is a lot has happened within the last 6 months or so.

Yes, I became a stripper.

Yes, I have fucked a considerable amount of people since my last post.

Yes, I am still confused by the opposite gender.

All tales will be told when I am not, drunk, high or asleep which these days is occasional.

I guess all readers that consist of none will have to deal with my intoxicated state,

I Want To Be A Stripper

I want to be a stripper.
Why?
Because I want to say "fuck you" to the patriarchy.

How?
Well, while I sip champagne with those corporate idiots and do some cheorgraphed dance on stage with little to no clothing on I am stealing their thousands that they earn from their big city job daddy got them, or they had earned from taking advantage of the ninety-nine percent working class that my parents and my parents' parents have not been able to escape since birth.

Do I have 'Daddy' issues?
My mother has been a single-mother for many years but has raised me well. You can choose to believe this but it doesn't surprise me if you don't. How would a 'two-parent household' raise their daughter to not be a feminist, stripper-wannabe delinquent? You tell me because I honestly wouldn't know. If my parents had stayed together I strongly believe it would have made me far more fucked up. Having only been raised by one parent mostly I feel more opened up to the world and reality. For that I am thankful and this decision has nothing to do with my mother’s morals or parenting.

Will I feel comfortable with taking my clothes off in front of strangers?
Well, I would classify my ex of two and a half years as basically a stranger now and he has seen me naked. Why wouldn't I? It's just a body. Heaven forbid revealing my oversexualised tits and a$$ for all to see. Guess what? I shouldn't care and I don't.

The thing is I simply find it satisfyingly brilliant that the film student who wears no makeup, docs and baggy clothes with the loud 'weird' music who yells back at guys harassing her on the street will probably walk right passed the men in the business suits who are off to their evil corporate job probably look down on that girl with disapproval. They probably think "oh here we go! She'll never get a man looking like that. I wouldn’t fuck her. I doubt anyone I know would fuck her" with disgust. While that girl is by night stealing all of his easy money that he stupidly throws at strip joints and most likely white collar drugs just like his father before him. This is what drives me. This is what excites me.

I'm taking care of myself now.
My interview is Tuesday.

A lotta Love.

I don't understand it. I wish I did but I don't. Is it a chemical? An illusion? only for those who are 'pure' or 'worthy'? Love between two people seems so rare. Especially at age eighteen. Yes, I am quite aware of my youth which should leave me not making such huge assumptions about love but from what I have gathered everyone is in love with someone who is in love with someone else. Everyone looks forward to what they want without looking back to what wants them. Even when we do there is no guarantee we will want what we see staring at us with desperate longing eyes because it's far too similar to what we see in ourselves.

We only accept the love we deserve
Yes, I do believe this to a point but when in love recieving isn't the issue, but rather giving all this love to someone and them accepting it and then maybe there will be some return. But if there is no love to give in the first place when starting it with someone in love with you then in a way you are catering to their desires of showering love upon you while you feel numb. Okay, I admit it. I am talking of feelings only I probably posses. But currently my feeling is hopelessness.

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that love is not everything it's talked up to be. Being a hopeless romantic this is incredibly difficult for me. I would do absolutely anything for about ten different people as I see how beautiful and wonderful they all are and deserve everything and nothing less. I also hate them all for making me feel this way and hope they all die in a house fire for being such arrogant hormonal driven inconsiderate scumbags.

After all this love I have given over the years I am left with nothing but failed tests due to lost time dwelling on said beautiful people, debt that has been the result of many quick fix therapy sessions of spending money recklessly and though tremendously corny- a broken heart that feels beyond repair. Some say at least I have the memories I say, in response "shut the fuck up you are really not helping my situation. Thanks a lot buddy, now I'm going to drunk dial one of said people tonight which I will of course regret".

I used to never want to get over the love and true affection I felt for a person, hoping that one day they may return my affections and we would be truly happy together indefinitely and I would feel the pure happiness felt in my first relationship during the early days. But now I know that those feelings will never return and were probably all a lie or confusion from the other party involved and I was never loved by someone I was loving. Now knowing that I just want to say fuck you to my ex boyfriend of two years. I hope your death is fire related and extremely painful as you truly are an awful human being. Please forgive me for still being in love with you. I must be incredilby delusional and mentally unstable.

The Pressures of Being Eighteen

I feel like this is the time where the memories are made. The ones I look back on when I'm old and think "how satasfying was my life?" so I feel this constant pressure to go out and 'live', getting up to all the things I proabably shouldn't but lead to fantastic stories. Yet there is also the overwhelming stress of making the right decisions for my future. Do I stay at university and get a degree that may be regarded as irrelevant in the real world? Do I drop out? If so, what then? Balancing both of these is wearing me down. The worst part is that my number of years of life now suggest that I need to start being more independent.

There is no one telling me what to do anymore or pre requisites that garrantee me to a successful life anymore. The whole thing is rather frightening. So in response to this I have made the decision to move down to Dunedin in hopes that it will somehow bring some certainty to my place in the world and yes, I know this could dramatically fail. At this point I honestly don't care.

THIS YEAR:

The number of boys who have kissed me affectionately on the forehead
(after something of the romantic sort has happened between us): 8 in total

The amount of guys who have more than something physical from me
(such as my beautiful soul): 0 in total

"Just read the signals"? Don't be ridiculous

My Vital Routine after a 'Night Out'

Step 1:
Manage to stumble my way in through the door
but not without misplacing my steps at least
several times

Step 2:
Strip down completely to reveal my newly
shaven moisturised untouched body

Step 3:
Look for something to sleep in and have a small
melancholic episode over an ex's shirt that I have
just discovered and triggers feeling of complete
and utter loneliness
Step 4:
Try rid body of my deep routed sadness with
frantic masturbation

Step 5:
Achieve happiness for only a few seconds then
resume feeling miserable

Step 6:
Cry tears of confusion from the drunk heartbroken
state I am currently in

Step 7:
Curl up in my empty bed and fall asleep to the
voice of Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca whilst
sobbing hopelessly

Lessons I've learnt from First Relationships

A few months ago I split from my first long term boyfriend. After all that time he turned out to be a dick. Saying that I turned out to be a bitch.

 "Are you sure you don't just want to be friends?"
"Of course! I love you! I just can't stand being with you for long periods of time, disapprove of all your life decisions and would rather be doing something else when we have sex."

First relationships are the hardest, especially so young. You are laughing with a babin' guy at a party and before you know it you are constantly attached to this other human despite the activity and for the most part you really don't mind and even prefer it. What is this witchery?! Love? Haha, don't be ridiculous! You are experiencing co-dependency! Maybe love too if you are really lucky (told you I was cynical). This co-dependency was the very thing that fuelled the last remaining ashes of my last relationship and it is only with true happiness do I see them floating away.

The question I used to always myself is how did it go from us being crazy about each other to bitter and unable to stop the other from heart-break. Only recently having finally moved on have I been able to take a step back and question my judgement. The inevitable mistakes:

Selfishness is sadly inevitable. You may not be selfish as a person but sadly at some point during your first relationship you will be. You will put your needs before the other person because all you can see is you needing them. It's understandable but very hard to see yourself doing.

Losing sight of the fact that your other half is a person too. Yes, you know he is breathing and functioning but they also are only human and no matter how much they love you they have their own opinions and thoughts and make their own mistakes. It's up to you what you are willing to put up with of course

How this comes about:
Finally there is someone who cares enough about you to do almost anything for your happiness. It's very hard not to get carried away in that concept. When you have love and attention on drip why not use it? Well, it wears down your other half to the point where they snap. Thus, the transformation into douchebag commences.

There are also many inevitable problems to first relationships like not knowing what you want yet because usually you haven't fully grown into the person you are going to be. Personally, there was always this "what if" fear for me since I had never properly been with anyone else. As you can read from the rest of my blog that has changed. Does this mean I am able to be in a relationship and live happily ever after? Probably not. Do I want to live happily ever after with the man of my dreams? Honestly, no. At least not right now. I think that to appreciate happiness we have to undergo some degree of suffering. I also believe to grow as a person it is something you must do alone.

I know there are exceptions to everything I have stated but this is what is seen through my eyes on this subject. If long term relationships while you are young is completely for you without question then go for it. I'll be the bitter girl dressed in all black with shades on hiding my loneliness forever in the corner of your eye becoming the disapproving onlooker that haunts your happiness indefinitely.

Jus' kidding I'm completely fine! Almost. Gotta go watch GIRLS and eat a block of chocolate. I sincerely have absolutely no regrets with my life decisions!