A lotta Love.

I don't understand it. I wish I did but I don't. Is it a chemical? An illusion? only for those who are 'pure' or 'worthy'? Love between two people seems so rare. Especially at age eighteen. Yes, I am quite aware of my youth which should leave me not making such huge assumptions about love but from what I have gathered everyone is in love with someone who is in love with someone else. Everyone looks forward to what they want without looking back to what wants them. Even when we do there is no guarantee we will want what we see staring at us with desperate longing eyes because it's far too similar to what we see in ourselves.

We only accept the love we deserve
Yes, I do believe this to a point but when in love recieving isn't the issue, but rather giving all this love to someone and them accepting it and then maybe there will be some return. But if there is no love to give in the first place when starting it with someone in love with you then in a way you are catering to their desires of showering love upon you while you feel numb. Okay, I admit it. I am talking of feelings only I probably posses. But currently my feeling is hopelessness.

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that love is not everything it's talked up to be. Being a hopeless romantic this is incredibly difficult for me. I would do absolutely anything for about ten different people as I see how beautiful and wonderful they all are and deserve everything and nothing less. I also hate them all for making me feel this way and hope they all die in a house fire for being such arrogant hormonal driven inconsiderate scumbags.

After all this love I have given over the years I am left with nothing but failed tests due to lost time dwelling on said beautiful people, debt that has been the result of many quick fix therapy sessions of spending money recklessly and though tremendously corny- a broken heart that feels beyond repair. Some say at least I have the memories I say, in response "shut the fuck up you are really not helping my situation. Thanks a lot buddy, now I'm going to drunk dial one of said people tonight which I will of course regret".

I used to never want to get over the love and true affection I felt for a person, hoping that one day they may return my affections and we would be truly happy together indefinitely and I would feel the pure happiness felt in my first relationship during the early days. But now I know that those feelings will never return and were probably all a lie or confusion from the other party involved and I was never loved by someone I was loving. Now knowing that I just want to say fuck you to my ex boyfriend of two years. I hope your death is fire related and extremely painful as you truly are an awful human being. Please forgive me for still being in love with you. I must be incredilby delusional and mentally unstable.